sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
