my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Use "feeling words"
Yay
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
