Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
