it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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