It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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