I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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