I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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