i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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