My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
