my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
