i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
