I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
