If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
