I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
