this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
