Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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