i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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