1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
