I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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