wat bout pragnant strippers??
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
