can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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