did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
