I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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