The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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