You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize