His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
