I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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