im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
