my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
