just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
