well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
