you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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