You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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