i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
