I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
