She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
