he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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