Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
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Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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