I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
