My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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