I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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