i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
