my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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