Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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