pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
