I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
and you fell through a lawn chair
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
