i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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