Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
