Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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