Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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