the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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