I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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