I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
