I have demons in me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
