dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
NoShamevember. You game?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
