You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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