I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
only you would photoshop your dick
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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