im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
