don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
